No bed of roses

I feel like I’ve neglected this blog a little bit over the past few weeks. Yes, of course I wrote a 7 page long post about Tosca just last Saturday but even though. Oh and by the way I delivered the Tosca essay (my last post) in English to my teacher, he was kinda shocked and said “No, I mean, it’s ok with me, it’s quite marvelous actually, but I don’t know about the school. I mean, this has never happened before.”

Well my week could be easily described with a roller coaster; there were ups, downs, upside downs, throw up moments, utter joyous moments, butterflies in my stomach moments and finally the “what the hell am I doing here” moment.

From the very beginning our teachers try and show us how this career we’ve chosen is not easy and you’ll sometimes lead a “love/hate” relationship with it. And you feel prepared; you know it’s no bed roses and that you have to protect yourself against the bad energy ill intentioned people throw your way. But knowing it only gets you as far as being aware of it; it doesn’t magically help you be strong in the moment when needed.

As I said before this week was tough, I even thought about giving up completely (for about 30 seconds I think). It all seemed to be thrown right at me, tests, rehearsals, due dates, rehearsals, and tests, and more rehearsals and tests, tests, rehearsals…

As I am desperately studying for my tests I also have rehearsals for many a number of things I’m doing this semester, the end of semester recital (in which I’m graduating in and singing two arias and a duet); the Il Combatimento di Tancredi e Clorinda operaish performance (in which I’m playing Clorinda) and Monteverdi’s Ariana’s Lament (in which I’m the second soprano, only the hardest vocal line ever invented and most uncomfortable one too).

And it was during the rehearsal with the orchestra for the opera that it happened. I was kind of nervous because it’s a very difficult piece especially because even though all my parts are written in 4, my teacher wants to do them in 2. But I’m no Monteverdi specialist so I fight all of the 4 studying that I did to do it the way the maestro wants. But then I start making a mistake, I get out of air, getting more nervous meaning being able to hold in even less air and the maestro starts getting pissed off about it and shouting comments about how I made a mistake here and there over the music he’s conducting.

It is at that moment that time seems to freeze around you, you see everything in slow motion,  the musicians in the orchestra (some of them being really good friends of yours) look embarrassed or smug about the whole thing, you see the girl who is also playing your part laughing quietly while she mouths the correct way to do the line you just missed, you have a girl that was supposed to get the part you are playing but didn’t sitting right next to you during the ENTIRE rehearsal playing with her phone, you see the juniors standing by the door watching the rehearsal with dilated eyes. And all the eyes are looking at YOU! Burning wholes into your skin, that’s exactly how I felt, like Snow White when she goes into the forest to run away from the hunter and she sees all those evil eyes looking at her. And you can just listen to yourself inside your head say frantically “Don’t cry, don’t cry, DON’T CRY!”

And then you think “What the hell am I doing here? This is utter torture! I’m not having a good time, not by a long run. Why am I still here? I should just give up and go and work with my good friends back in my home town. This is making me miserable.”

All this happened in about 15 seconds I think, and then I was up to sing. I had to do something in order to go on and not break down, so I fixed my eyes in the sheet music and just sang my part (correctly, must I add) and when the teacher said he wanted to rehearse it with the other girl I asked to be excused. I went straight to my piano teacher (who also acts as a sort of grandma figure to me) for a shoulder to cry on. But she was rehearsing her duo with a clarinet player and as I sat watching them play I suddenly thought to myself “This is it! This is how it’s supposed to be, you can see they are having so much fun.” Their lines entwined with one another then went to different paths but still connected and you could see that they were having a ball, and that comes through in the music like a slap on your face.

And when he left I sang my two Cherubino songs that I’m doing in the recital and felt it again, “SENTO UN AFFETO PIEN DI DESIR, CH’ORA È DILETTO, CH’ORA È MARTIR!” There’s some deep Cherubino wisdom right there, isn’t that exactly what we feel? At least I do, when I sing I feel utter delight and utter fulfillment, but sometimes there are moments when it hurts you so bad! Cherubino sings of love, but I found that this aria speaks much more than just about the teenage hormones he’s experiencing but about being in love with anything in general. Love is never easy; it’s no bed of roses, no pleasure cruise, ma pur mi piace languir cosi! I love what I do even though sometimes it requires of me to be strong in a way I didn’t even know I could. (Because in normal circumstances I would have just started crying or shouted back or something, I’m cancer, VERY EMOTIONAL)

And after chatting with my teacher I found out why I was also kind of miserable to the point of thinking about quitting. Because I hadn’t seen my TRUE friends in weeks! My friends from my home town from the theatre group, my real friends, people I’ve known for years and years, I’d neglected them and didn’t even notice!

So on Friday I had my singing lesson and told my teacher about all this that had happened and she gave me everything I needed: understanding, love, compassion and killer advice (this woman is the best I tell you!). And she also told me to do something quite torturous, to, for the day, make it my reality that I truly gave up on singing. Only for that day, for me to feel how it feels to not do what I love anymore. And let me tell you, it hurts like hell!

But that day I decided I would treat myself like a normal human being and went to straight to Cultura (the language school that is like my second home where we rehearse our plays). As I got there I met my best friend in the entire world (who is also the director) and helped him out with some ideas for both plays he’s directing. My other friends arrived for rehearsal I felt home, I felt so wonderful that the next day I went there again to watch their rehearsal and help. And turns out that was exactly what I needed, my friends, the family I chose.



Me and some of my marvelous friends at a party yesterday. I hadn't had this much fun in weeks!



So this was different, hun? More like a diary passage or something, but I felt like writing it down, I don’t feel people talk about the hard aches as much as it’s needed. So, yeah, it was awful, horrible, but I managed to get through it with inner strength and the help of my marvelous singing teacher and a little help from my friends. (And also with the encouraging words of my opera bff by the phone)

Peace everyone! ;)

No One Like You!

One thing I’ve come across a lot in this world of wannabe (not a bad sense of wannabe, but really people that are studying to be I mean) opera singers is the time issue and the comparison issue.

I’m gonna start off with the very simple fact that there is no finger print that is identical in two people, there is no finger print just like yours nor mine in any other person. With that said I believe I can affirm that we’re all very different. Now in this world of discovery of repertoire and of performers one can’t help but compare, we compare everything from costumes to vocal type, from high notes to low notes to interpretation to everything! And I’m not saying its bad thing having knowledge of repertoire and having watched many productions and having preferences and a well founded opinion, no!

What I’m talking about is, taking for instance my case, I figured out that I wanted a career in opera when I was 22 and the first person I looked up to a lot was Anna Netrebko. So I googled her and read about her, Anna had her debut in the Mariinsky Theatre at 22, playing Susanna in Nozze di Figaro, what is my reaction? “Oh my world, I’m so far behind, when she was my age she was already doing opera in a big opera house!  And here I am still striving to get those high notes just right, and at my age she was already playing with them” I can assure you that that is a despairing thought! And for me it was a real struggle, I felt really bad, hopeless even!

But then my singing teacher gave a little piece wisdom that I always carry with me and I find that it makes sense and it sometimes comforts when I’m feeling down. These aren’t the exact words she said, because I had to translate it but it goes something like this:

“There is no one like you in this world, or me.  I’m sure there are people out there that are better than you in certain things and people that are not as good as you in others. But you are unique, just like everyone else in this world. There’s only one you and one me.”

It is my absolute dream to sing at the Met, and another wise thing my teacher always tells me is that if you do your best and it’s meant to happen, you’re meant to do this, be certain that it will!

And when you really grasp the meaning of these words you don’t need to compare your development with anyone else. And digging a little deeper how could I compare myself to Anna, she’s completely different from me, she grew up in Russia and I grew up in Brasil, completely different climate, food, traditions, schooling, everything of course her path is gonna be different from mine! When she was 19ish she was in the conservatory while I was studying to be a musical theatre performer, that doesn’t make her better or worse than me, we’re just different!

And then the other issue that is time is completely entwined in the comparison issue. I’ll give you a solid example; I went to the Live Stream of the Met’s “La Clemenza di Tito” last month with 2 friends, one of which wants to be an opera singer. And she told me that she didn’t know who Elina Garanca was (first I just started, ‘cause how can you not know, but anyways…) and I started telling her about Elina and that she was super young, she’s 35 now, if I’m not mistaken. And that one of the earliest things I’d seen her in was a 2003 production of La Clemenza in the Salzburg Festival playing Annio, and that this festival was a really big deal, not just anyone performs there. And my friend just started counting the years with her fingers and came to the brilliant conclusion that she was 25 at the time and then she said “Okay, I have 5 years to make it then.”. I was silent and just thought for a while about what I had just heard, people are so desperate for a result they mirror themselves in successful people to stipulate time. That is a very tricky and awful way to go, ‘cause it’s 99% chance you’re gonna end up disappointed. And it’s very different from having someone who inspires you, a role model, again it is comparing yourself to someone else that, even though has the same profession as you wanna have, is completely different from you!

By the way these two kicked ass on this, I absolutely loved it. Elina Garanca as Sesto and Barbara Frittoli as Vittelia in the 2012 Metropolitan Opera production of Mozart’s last opera “La Clemenza di Tito”

I prefer (and oh my world, this is my opinion, I’m not saying I’m right or wrong) to think that my body is developing and so is my voice, I study every day, try and  watch and learn as many things as I can. I’m doing my share, I can’t force my body to develop itself before it’s really ready to do so. Every new opera that I watch is a journey, into the language, the story, the music, and I’m just trying to enjoy the ride and not overstress myself because of time issues. Plus another wise thing my teacher always tells me is:

“While you’re talking about someone else’s voice or whatever you could have done three vocalizes! It’s not gonna do you any good stressing yourself over other people’s voices.”

And since we’re all different we have different development timing! So, a piece of advice? Sing your age (I now it’s hard, I wish I could sing those Rossinis and Donizettis),  be yourself, don’t try and be the next someone else, people wanna see the real you, not an imitation of someone who’s already out there, and just enjoy the wonderful thing that it is studying music! We do this because we love it, not because our parents made us! Which is not what I can say for most people I know, we’re so lucky to be doing something we truly are passionate for and love.

Peace!

Ps; I’m not saying that having this kind of attitude is easy, I really owe it a lot to my singing teacher, who is an angel and super cool and to many things Joyce DiDonato says in her videos. But you gotta figure it out for yourself, when it really starts making sense in your head I can assure you you’ll feel way better.